As I reflect back on the past year-and-a-half, I can hardly believe all that's happened, and all that's changed…
There's been much sorrow and loss, and I've cried more tears than one could ever imagine;
I've had to say good bye to dreams and expectations, and have had to learn the hard way that my children don't belong to me, they belong to God.
When I try to remember life before this trial began, it's all a blur, as if it never did exist;
And I now have a hole in my heart, a hole that's changed what type of mommy that I am….
I'm a better mommy now, yet I have scars that may very well never fully heal.
Life has gone on, and we've learned to adjust to this new “norm”, though the pain is still very raw and real….
In a sense, I guess you could say we've “moved on”, yet somehow, that doesn't quite seem the right thing to say,
Because, though we've adjusted, my heart hasn't moved on.
My heart is so very full of love for my daughter, and it's a love so fierce that it makes me want to cry…
I ache to hug her, and I'd love to wish away all the pain and pretend this past year-and-a-half never happened
I want so badly for things to be right between us, and for God to redeem the time that's been lost.
Though she's no longer here, in our home, she still a part of our family
A part that we love so very much
She matters to us and she matters to God, and my prayer is that someday God will open her eyes to this truth.