For days now, my mind has been racing; thoughts flitting around and filling my head with noise….
Sometimes, I feel as though the noise in my head is louder than the noise in my home, and that's saying a lot in a home with 4 lovely loud children.
The thoughts are coming and going so fast that I feel like I'm going in circles, finding no end.
I keep finding myself looking back and thinking that I should've “done this” or should've “prevented that”, and I drive myself crazy wishing that I could go back in time; yet knowing that what's done is done.
I beat myself up as I replay the unfounded accusations that have been hurled at me in the past two months, and I second guess wether or not the unpleasant descriptions of me are actually true.
I find myself wondering if I'm fit to be a mom, and wether or not it really is my fault that my oldest is the way she is.
I replay those accusations like a movie on rewind, over and over again, and I ask God, “why, oh why, was I never good enough for her?”
I look back to seasons past, and wish that I'd done more, been more, or just simply been good enough.
I can find myself falling farther and farther into this pit of loss and despair, that I sometimes can't find my way out.
Thankfully, I have a loving Heavenly Father, who refuses to let me stay in this pit, and He's always there to pull me out.
And by His amazing grace, I've found myself surrounded by sermons and friends who have been reminding me of who I am in Him.
I've been pointed to the cross of Jesus, where his blood was shed for me, and where by His righteousness, I have been saved.
It's been helpful for me to be reminded that I'm not defined by what others say, nor am I defined by what I've done or who I've been….
I have to remind myself daily–sometimes hourly–that I am saved by grace, and because of what Jesus has done for me, I am righteous, and I am defined by Him and his great love.