As I've walked down this path of heartache and pain, and as I've experienced loss deeper than I've ever known, not once have I doubted God's faithfulness and love.
Not once have I feared that He'd let me be crushed under the weight of it all, nor have I wondered if He really cares.
I've tasted and seen that God is good, and I truly trust in His unfailing love….and yet, I can wonder how much more He's going to allow to come my way.
As I stood in church this past Sunday, wanting to participate in worship, I couldn't….
Every time I opened my mouth to sing, I'd get choked up and the tears would threaten to fall.
As I let the words of the songs wash over me, I tried to figure out why I was overwhelmed with sadness,
and the more I thought about it, the clearer it became to me that I was hurt.
Not by anything anyone else had done or said, or by the words of the songs…..
Quite honestly, I felt hurt by God.
You see, these past two weeks I've had a heaviness that I can't quite explain….a deep sense of loss and grief
And it's seemed as if the hurts (and the tears) won't stop coming….
The ongoing trial of these past two years is still very painful and hard, and there are times when I wonder if it will ever end;
And as if that's not enough, it's become quite clear in the past few weeks that my sweet kitty, Max, may not be with us much longer.
He's 14 years-old, and up to this point hasn't seemed his age, but in the past two weeks he's done some things that have been concerning, and has brought me to tears.
And while I know he's a cat, he's my cat, and I love him deeply, and the thought of losing him right now is more than I can bear.
There's been so much loss already, within a short amount of time, and I just can't fathom losing anyone else I love–not now.
So I think that's where the hurt comes from right now; I'm hurt over the fact that my kitty may soon be gone, and I just can't understand why God would allow another hurt, another loss…
And though I know God is good and His ways are just and kind, those truths just aren't traveling from my head to my heart right now.
I feel numb, yet overwhelmed with sadness, all at the same time.
And so, once again, I find myself in a season of going on what I know to be true about God rather than on what I'm feeling and seeing;
and I find myself taking my tears to him, numerous times throughout my day, knowing that He can handle my sadness, and He understands my hurt; and none of it's to big for Him.