As I sit here in the early morning hours, spending time with God and his Word, I am struck by his amazing provision in my life.
I mean, sure, he's always been faithful to provide our day to day needs: finances, food, clothing, etc; but when I stop to look at all he's done in my heart–the healing he has provided–I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
Two years ago at this time, I was only a month away from holding my dad's hand for the last time, and crying tears over him as he lost his battle with Alzheimer's, after 9 long, painful years.
I knew the day was coming, but I had no idea the gap his passing would leave in my heart.
Three months passed, and I was hit with another blow, another loss; it still brings tears to my eyes as I remember that horrific day when my oldest unexpectedly walked out of our home and into the world…..
Losing my dad was something I saw coming, something that would result in healing and wholeness for him; eternity to spend with Jesus.
But losing my girl was a different kind of blow; it was if someone had ripped out a part of my heart, making it hard for me to breathe,and impossible to move on.
There were days following that time when I thought I'd die of a broken heart, and I wondered if I'd ever know joy again.
It's now been over a year-and-a-half since that horrific day, and I still very much grieve the loss of my precious girl
Yet, I'm different now, and somehow, by his glorious grace, God has used this season to refine me–to take what's been broken and make something new
As I look back now, I can see where, little by little, God has chipped away areas of my heart that needed refining and stripped away,
And has given me a new heart, one that, though its been broken, is now rebuilt and renewed, with the scars still there as a reminder of how far I've come.
I still hurt over what's happened with my girl, but I've learned that she belongs to God, and only he can reach her heart, in ways that I never could.
God's used the brokenness of this season to make me a better mom, a mom who's learned to speak to the hearts of my kids, and to pray for them in ways I'd never thought of before….
And he's given me a tenderness that could only come from him, a tenderness that allows me to listen more and talk less when it comes to my kids
As I look back to that week before my dad died, I remember listening to David Crowder's song, All I Can Say, and realizing that song was my heart's cry to God….
I was broken before him, with nothing to give, and couldn't find the words to say how much I needed him…
and yet, he knew, and he wanted nothing more from me at that time, than for me to come before him and to lay my brokenness at his feet, time and time again.
He didn't need my words, because he knew my heart, and my heart was all he wanted–brokenness and all.
I heard that song again the other day, and I was struck by how differently it affected me now….
I can now sing that song as a song of praise to God, as I remember where I was before and now see how far I've come.