A broken mama’s heart, once again

 

In the quiet darkness of the morning, my heart is heavy and my thoughts and emotions are flitting every which way;

 

The tears threaten to fall, and yet, I hold them back, not wanting my babies so see how broken I am.

 

 

I've been in this place before, recognize it all to well; but the heaviness drowns out any comfort that I remember from times before.

 

 

It was a long, painful week; one that I hadn't anticipated, and one that has left my heart shattered and unable to stop the aching within….

 

After 8 long months of very little contact with my oldest, I talked to her not once, but three times this week.

 

The first call from her was friendly; she was so friendly in fact, that you would think that we talked daily and were the best of friends. It was a conversation that left me stumped and wondering what would happen next.

 

 

The very next day came the second call, only this call was very different from the first. This call was geared towards ripping me apart, hurling unfounded accusations at me, and leaving me once again questioning my abilities as a mom, and giving me an awareness of how very often I fail.

 

Still reeling from Thursdays encounter, yesterday I felt the need to contact her and ask for her email address, in hopes of being able to put into writing what I wasn't able to say on the phone.

 

However, I was completely shocked and devastated at her response, and even now, less than 24 hours later, her text is still replaying in my mind….

 

 

She informed me that, not only does she not want me to email her, but she doesn't want me to contact her at all anymore. Never again.

 

The text went on to say many other painful things, things that dug deep and took my breath away.

 

It was excruciating to read her hurtful words, but the biggest blow came when she ended her text by saying that she was going to change her last name. I can't say that I was to surprised by that, because over the course of the past two years, she's used different last names, making her point very clear.

 

But I think what hit me was a comment that one of my other children made, a comment that was observant, yet filled with pain….

 

 

This child pointed out that, though my oldest's hurtful intentions were geared at me, that by changing her last name, she was severing herself from her siblings as well, showing them that she has no regard for them or their feelings, and that she's forever severing herself from them as well.

 

At that moment, I wanted to hold my younger child in my arms and make all of this pain go away, and yet, I couldn't.

 

I will never be able to erase the anguish of these past two years from my younger kid's minds, never be able to pretend that it never happened or that it'll all blow over and go away.

 

They've had to learn some hard life lessons at a very young age, and believe me, I've struggled with that reality, time and time again.

 

I would've liked for their childhood to have been easier, filled with less pain, yet I know that God will use this for good in their lives, revealing His character to them, and His unfailing love.

 

I know that eventually the pain in my own heart will lessen, though never completely go away; and I know that as I muddle my way through muddy, deep waters once again, that He'll hold onto me and never let me go.

 

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11 Responses to “A broken mama’s heart, once again”

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  1. Shiloah says:

    Patty,
    I’m so sad for you, G, the kids, and also for your oldest. I cannot imagine the depth of hurt and rejection you are feeling. I am praying for you and for the whole family. The enemy of our souls will not have the last word in this situation. I pray for divine love to break through the anger and bitterness, to dissolve the hardened places, to bring new life in your oldest, and to restore her back to you.

    • Patty says:

      Shiloah, thank you so much for your kind words and for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. God IS faithful and I know he will see us through this, all the while making us more like Him. Have a great week.

  2. Emma says:

    I am so sorry for all you are going through. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom that would heal your heart but I have nothing but an anecdote to share. My grandmother had a similar falling out with her son. He cut himself off from, not only her, but the entire family. As painful as it still is to have lost an uncle I adored for no clear reason, I try to focus on those I still do have around me. Ultimately we do the best we can with our children and then they make their own decisions, sometimes even hurtful ones like you’re experiencing. I wish you strength and courage as you experience this trial. Good luck.
    Emma recently posted…Barnyard Book Club Giveaway!My Profile

    • Patty says:

      Emma, thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It’s so hard to let go of someone you love, especially when it’s your child, and yet, I have a husband and four other kids who are here with me,loving me and wanting my attention. Thank you for encouraging me to focus on them!m have a great week!

    • Patty says:

      Emma, I so appreciate you taking the time to visit my blog and leaving such a kind, caring comment. Have a great week!

  3. Samantha says:

    That’s so tough mama, I’m sorry
    Samantha recently posted…Project Almost 365My Profile

  4. Nicki Lewis says:

    I am very sorry to read this. She is hurt now but maybe one day will get past it. Will keep you in my prayers that things get better. Just try to focus on the positive things
    Nicki Lewis recently posted…Tuned In Thursday #1My Profile

    • Patty says:

      Nicki, thank you so much for your thoughtful words, and for praying for me; I appreciate it more than you know! Have a great week!

  5. I am so sorry to hear about this situation. As a daughter who rebelled against her family at one point, I would just like to say that there is hope that this can get better. I would rebel against my parents for no reason. I was young and arrogant, and I didn’t care about anyone but myself. I felt that “their” rules were to restrictive, and that I couldn’t be who I really was until I broke free of everything that involved their influence.

    However, as an adult I began to realize how selfish I was being. I didn’t see how much harm I was causing to my family, and how much damage I had done to myself. I finally started making changes in my life, and I am happy to say that I turned around and did my best to repair the damage that was done to my family. I am now very close with my mother, and I have a very good relationship with all of my family members. And I know it is because God helped me to get me to where I needed to be.

    Please remember that her rebellion is not necessarily a reflection of you as a parent. It is her decision to act the way that she is acting, and only she can make the change to turn it around. God will do his best to guide her to the right path, but He cannot help her if she is directly refusing him. At this point, pray to him and gain the peace that he grants to those who put their faith in him. Use this time to foster and enhance your relationship with God, and with your husband, and your children. This verse in particular always helps me during stressful times. Isaiah 48:18. He will give you peace of mind to get through this trying time. Things will look up soon. I promise :)
    Megan Kubasch recently posted…Life as a Coast Guard Wife: The BeginningsMy Profile

    • Patty says:

      Megan, I can’t tell you how encouraging and faith building your comment was to me. Your story sounds so similiar to my daughters, and I have total faith that God can save her and redeem the time that’s been lost. Thank you for sharing your story for me, and for your care and support! Have a blessed week!

  6. Pary Moppins says:

    So sorry that you are going through this right now. Just keep leaning on the Everlasting Arms for comfort.
    Pary Moppins recently posted…Menu Plan & eMealsMy Profile

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