In the quiet darkness of the morning, my heart is heavy and my thoughts and emotions are flitting every which way;
The tears threaten to fall, and yet, I hold them back, not wanting my babies so see how broken I am.
I've been in this place before, recognize it all to well; but the heaviness drowns out any comfort that I remember from times before.
It was a long, painful week; one that I hadn't anticipated, and one that has left my heart shattered and unable to stop the aching within….
After 8 long months of very little contact with my oldest, I talked to her not once, but three times this week.
The first call from her was friendly; she was so friendly in fact, that you would think that we talked daily and were the best of friends. It was a conversation that left me stumped and wondering what would happen next.
The very next day came the second call, only this call was very different from the first. This call was geared towards ripping me apart, hurling unfounded accusations at me, and leaving me once again questioning my abilities as a mom, and giving me an awareness of how very often I fail.
Still reeling from Thursdays encounter, yesterday I felt the need to contact her and ask for her email address, in hopes of being able to put into writing what I wasn't able to say on the phone.
However, I was completely shocked and devastated at her response, and even now, less than 24 hours later, her text is still replaying in my mind….
She informed me that, not only does she not want me to email her, but she doesn't want me to contact her at all anymore. Never again.
The text went on to say many other painful things, things that dug deep and took my breath away.
It was excruciating to read her hurtful words, but the biggest blow came when she ended her text by saying that she was going to change her last name. I can't say that I was to surprised by that, because over the course of the past two years, she's used different last names, making her point very clear.
But I think what hit me was a comment that one of my other children made, a comment that was observant, yet filled with pain….
This child pointed out that, though my oldest's hurtful intentions were geared at me, that by changing her last name, she was severing herself from her siblings as well, showing them that she has no regard for them or their feelings, and that she's forever severing herself from them as well.
At that moment, I wanted to hold my younger child in my arms and make all of this pain go away, and yet, I couldn't.
I will never be able to erase the anguish of these past two years from my younger kid's minds, never be able to pretend that it never happened or that it'll all blow over and go away.
They've had to learn some hard life lessons at a very young age, and believe me, I've struggled with that reality, time and time again.
I would've liked for their childhood to have been easier, filled with less pain, yet I know that God will use this for good in their lives, revealing His character to them, and His unfailing love.
I know that eventually the pain in my own heart will lessen, though never completely go away; and I know that as I muddle my way through muddy, deep waters once again, that He'll hold onto me and never let me go.