I've been quiet around here for a while now, and I'm not sure why….maybe it's because I have so many thoughts flitting around in my mind and have so much i want to say, that I don't know how to put it all into words.
I've always liked October, with the changing leaves and the crisp air, beautiful colors everywhere I look….
Yet, this year October is bittersweet…..
The 28th of this month marks the two-year anniversary of my dad going home to be with the Lord, and while I'm thankful that he's now healthy and whole once again, I miss him so very much.
I still think of him almost daily, and I can still remember the feel of his hand the day I had to tell him good-bye…
I have such sweet memories of my dad, memories that weren't crowded out by the painful years of Alzheimer's; and I'll always be greatful for the legacy of faithfulness that he left behind.
October also marks the birthday of my oldest daughter; my beautiful, brown-eyed girl.
This birthday will be different though, as it will be her first birthday in 20 years that we haven't celebrated together.
This isn't the way I want it to be; never would I have wished such brokenness between us and our girl…
And yet, I have no say in the matter, no invitation to walk back in to her life….
I miss her so deeply that sometimes it hurts, and I often cry and wonder how a parent-child relationship could go so wrong.
I wonder if I could go back in time and start over with her, if things would be different, if maybe–just maybe–she'd see my love for her as genuine and would want to give it in return.
There are so many things in life that I wish could be different, yet I've learned that God knows what's best, and he makes no mistakes.
I've seen him make beauty out of ashes, and I've experienced him redeeming my life from the pit;
Therefore, I can trust him with even the most painful, sad circumstances of my life, and know that he will work them out for my good.