Why I need Jesus every single day….


I often wonder where I’d be today had a made a different choice here or there….would I be married to the wonderful man that I’m married to? Would I have the beautiful babies that I have, live in the house I’m in, go to the church that I attend? What if I had read less parenting books and merely trusted God when I first started this parenting journey; would I then be a better mom than I am now? Would me being a different kind of mom way back when have prevented my oldest from walking out halfway through her senior year? I mean, what if I’d loosened the boundaries and gone against what I felt in my heart was right; would she have been happy then?

I mean really, if you think about it, I could on for days wondering how things would be had I done things different. And I could beat myself up and allow guilt to fill my soul until I’m drowning in my misery and I’m filled with hatred of who I am. I could allow guilt to dictate my happiness and my future, and I could make my family miserable because I’m miserable with the person that I am. But really, who would that be serving?




I’ve gone down the road of what-ifs and if-onlys more times than I can count, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve allowed guilt to dictate my life, my happiness, and my self-esteem. I’ve beat myself up time and time again, and I’ve replayed conversations with my oldest, like an old movie that’s stuck on repeat. I’ve replayed those conversations, measuring myself against the accusations and insults that were hurled my way, and I’ve allowed myself to swallow those lies–hook, line, and sinker. And believe me when I say that there’s bondage in believing those lies; bondage that holds me back from truly being who God intended me to be.

It’s taken me almost four years to come to this place of realizing that my righteousness is truly found in Christ; it’s not found in anyone else’s opinion of me or in any accusations that have been thrown at me.

And not only that, but any mistakes I’ve made–and believe me, I’ve made a lot–are covered under the blood of Jesus! He died to save me from my sins and to free me from any and all chains that have a hold on me. It’s hard for me to even begin to wrap my mind around the reality that, when God looks at me, he sees Jesus. He doesn’t see my past mistakes and failures. He sees Jesus.



It amazes me how quickly the enemy pounces on me when I’m feeling weak or beaten down; those old accusations and lies start running around in my mind, beating me down with each hit, and reminding me of who I used to be—or of who I’ve been accused of being.

I find that I constantly need to be feeding my mind with Truth of who I am in Jesus, wether it be worship music or sermons, I need more of Jesus EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. And when I’m not doing these things, I find myself getting caught up in the day to day busyness, and getting worn down, because I’m trying to live this life in my own strength.

I’m so thankful to serve a Savior Who loves me in spite of my weaknesses and failures, and Who longs to remind me daily—minute-by-minute—of his sweet love for me. Lately, I’ve adopted the song, Good, Good Father, by Chris Tomlin as my theme song. I’ve had this song on repeat when I’m driving, and as a reminder when I’m getting ready in the mornings—I’m telling you, I need to hear it time and time again.

If you find yourself going down that road of what-ifs and if-onlys, let me assure you that Jesus loves you and he wants to be your righteousness and your salvation. He longs to surround you with his love, and to shower you with grace and tender mercy. And best of all, his gift of salvation is free.

Fall, school, and memories of days gone by….

Hey friends!  I hope you’re enjoying a wonderful weekend doing whatever it is you have planned!

As I sit here typing this, everything around me is speaking of fall; it’s a cool, yet sunny day, leaves all over the ground with a few left on the trees, and my hubby has been cleaning off flower beds and prepping the yard for winter.  And Thanksgiving is less than three weeks away!  What the what???

and while i love this time of year (can someone say candles, fire in the fireplace, and warm cozy sweaters?) it’s also bittersweet. I feel a bit melancholy as I look at the bare trees, and the flowers which are mostly gone….another season comes to an end as another begins.




since my last post, things have been a bit crazy.  Actually, overwhelming might be a better word.  Either way, the last few weeks have left me feeling as though I’m barely keeping my head above the water.

i think I may have shared in my last post that our school year has gotten off to a rough start.  Rough may be putting it mildly, but either way, it’s been HARD.

after weeks(9-weeks to be exact!) of changing up curriculum, switching around schedules, and shedding many tears, I believe we’ve finally fallen into a groove.

I honestly don’t know what changed, but I do know God had something to do with it, and I am so grateful.  I had shared with some other parents last weekend that I was really struggling with our school year, and these sweet friends graciously prayed for me and shared words of encouragement.

And I kid you not, this past week of school was the BEST week of school we’ve had this school year!  It was as if the problems we were having just disappeared, and we miraculously fell into a groove that worked for us!  I LOVE when God just graciously meets us when we least expect it!



on a different note, October was a hard month, and it affected me in so many ways.  My ongoing struggle with depression began to creep up early in the month, and I had two weeks where everything was dark and painful.  tears came easy and often, and memories of what used to be flooded my mind.  For almost four years now, October has hit me pretty much the same way, but it’s not until I’m knee-deep in my sorrow that I realize why I’m struggling so much more than usual.

the last week of October has two heavy milestones for me; my oldest daughter’s birthday and the death of my dad, only two days apart.  It’s hard to believe that it’s already been four years since my dad went to be with Jesus; in some ways it seems like he’s been gone for so much longer, and yet, it seems like it was just yesterday that I held his hand and told him good-bye.

and my daughter….well, her birthday came and went, with no contact or knowledge of where she is or how she’s doing.  I’ve become used to not being a part of her life, yet the pain is very real nonetheless.

now that school is going better and life isn’t feeling so hectic and out of control, I really want to spend more time here on the blog. I’ve had all sorts of post ideas running around in my head, but sitting down to write the posts is another story!

Have a great fall weekend!




October landmarks……

    October.  It’s a bittersweet month for me, really. I love the cool mornings, followed by warm afternoons.  And the changing of the leaves causes an array of colors that catch my eye each and every time. It’s time for hot apple cider or hot cocoa, and warm snugly […] Read more »

Lessons learned as a homeschool mom…

  We’re into our third week of the new school year, and when people ask me how the year is going so far, I literally laugh. Seriously.  It’s either that or cry, and I don’t really want to freak anyone out, so I laugh. no joke, friends, we’ve seriously gotten […] Read more »

depression demands to be heard.

  Depression.  it is an ongoing struggle.  there are days, even weeks where I feel great, laugh a lot, and all seems right in my world.  but then it hits me.  sometimes it’s subtle, other times not.  either way, it’s there and it demands to be heard. I feel as […] Read more »

Coke has lost it’s hold on me!

    Yay!  The weekend is here!  And believe me, I am so glad!  After a long week of school struggles, I was greatly anticipating a weekend free of obligations!  The hubs and I were able to sleep in this morning, which was heavenly, and it’s been a very relaxing […] Read more »

Um, it’s been a month!!!

      Me again.  You know, the author of this here blog; the one who hasn’t been writing much.  yeah, that’s me. I can’t believe it’s been an entire month since I’ve last posted, but when I look back over the past month, I can clearly see why I haven’t […] Read more »

Grief and the scars that never heal….

        I’m learning that though the pain of loss dulls over time,  it doesn’t seem to ever completely go away. it has been 3-1/2 years now since our oldest girl walked out, and yet, I can still remember every moment of that dreadful, devastating day. and I […] Read more »

Rocking Whole 30, Round 2

  Well, today marks Day 1 of my second round of Whole 30.  My friend and I were planning to starts this past Tuesday, but neither one of us had enough food in the house and weren’t prepared, so we decided to officially start today. and I’m hungry.  Very hungry. […] Read more »

Girl time, summer, and I’m tired!

  Summer.  A time for fun, relaxation, and freedom from the everyday norm.  Right? so why is it that I’m so stinkin tired? it may or may not be due to the fact that we’re not getting to bed until after 11:00pm these days.  And just to clarify, that’s when […] Read more »