Grief and the scars that never heal….

 

 

 

 

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I’m learning that though the pain of loss dulls over time,  it doesn’t seem to ever completely go away.

it has been 3-1/2 years now since our oldest girl walked out, and yet, I can still remember every moment of that dreadful, devastating day.

and I remember every little detail of every single crisis that occurred in the year following the day she left; there was one tragedy after another, one devastating blow followed by another devastating blow.  It seemed as though we’d just get our footing, only to be knocked down once again.  It was a year unlike anything I’d ever experienced before, and the grief was more than I could bear.

since that dreadful day, we’ve gone from having constant communication with our girl, to being told to never contact her again.  We went a year and a half with no word, no communication at all; we had no idea where she was living, or if she was even living at all.

we then heard from her for the first time last fall, had a few short months of communication, only to have her shut us out once again.  another blow.

along with the constant grief that flooded my heart, came a battle with depression that–like the grief– has never gone away.  It was almost diabilitating at times, robbing me of the ability to enjoy my kids and to engage in life.  Thankfully, with the help of my loving husband and a doctor who knows me very well, I was able to get on a medication that allows me to function well and to enjoy my life once again.  I wish I could say that the depression is completely gone, but it’s not; it’s something that I’m always very aware of, something that I battle and refuse to let win.  The medication takes the edge off, and gives me the push that I need to fight the depression day after day.

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Here i am, three and a half years later, having been broken, and not the same person I once was.   I’m different somehow, as if a part of me is missing, and it’s left a scar that never seems to completely heal.  The scar is a reminder to me of the battle that I’ve fought, of the tears that I’ve cried, and of a loss so deep that I’ll never be the same.  I never knew that a severed relationship could feel like a death; that you could actually grieve the loss of someone who’s actually still alive.  But believe me, you can, and I still do.

through all of this, I can honestly say that I’ve come to know and experience a sweeter love with Jesus than I’d ever know before.  Because you see, He shows up and he was there, every step of the way. Even on those darkest days of depression when I was in a dark pit unable to find my way out, he was there.  When I couldn’t feel Him, hear him, or even when I wondered if He heard my cries for help, He was there; I couldn’t see it then, but I do now.  And since that dark time, I have learned that I can’t base God’s love for me on how I feel, but rather on what I know to be true about Him.

I’ve learned that on the hardest of days and in the darkest of times, I need to remember what God has done for me in times past, and how He’s always came through.  Always. Without fail.

 

 

Rocking Whole 30, Round 2

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Well, today marks Day 1 of my second round of Whole 30.  My friend and I were planning to starts this past Tuesday, but neither one of us had enough food in the house and weren’t prepared, so we decided to officially start today.

and I’m hungry.  Very hungry.

this time around, I am breaking the rules a bit and I’m counting calories.  Shhhh, don’t tell!

seriously though, the reason I’m counting calories is because though I’ll be eating healthy, whole foods these next 30 days, I want to make sure that I’m still staying within my healthy calorie range.

and it may or may not have something to do with the fact that I’ve gained 5 pounds. Uh, huh, I know.  And it’s so irritating, because things aren’t fitting the same and I feel gross.

So not only do I hope to kill the sugar dragon once and for all, but I also hope to drop those pesky five pounds!

 

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it’s scary the hold that food really can have on us.  You know?  Do you ever imagine going without a favorite food and then find yourself having  an internal freak-out session?

yeah, well that’s how I am with sugar.  Seriously.

i have had times when I’ve actually planned out how and when I’m going to get my next Starbucks frapp or McDonalds Coke.  Don’t laugh, I’ve really done this!

and leading up to this Whole 30, I struggled A LOT with the idea of not having sugar for thirty days. And quite honestly, it’s actually an emotional struggle as well.

so I woke up this morning, and the first thing I thought of was how I could push this W30 off and start Monday.  You know, the old procrastination method of “I’ll just start fresh on Monday”?  Yeah, I know that one quite well, I’m afraid.

and in my mind, buy waiting until Monday, I could then have a McDonalds Coke today, and maybe some chocolate.  And maybe some almond mocha swirl ice cream…..you see where this is going, right?

i’m happy to say that I didn’t indulge that fantasy, and I have been eating well all day.  Except I’m hungry. *sigh*

 

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i will admit, the one thing that has kept me from backing out today is my kids.  They know I was planning to start today, and they saw my bin with “Mom’s food” in the frig.

they have also seen me start eating healthy, only to fall totally off the band wagon and start eating poorly again.  And they know the negative affects that type of eating has on me, and yet, I do it anyway.

Seeing this pattern has really been bothering me, and I’ve come to realize that I want to set a good example for my kids.  I want to take care of myself, so that I’m able to take care of them, and so that they’ll see the importance of taking care of themselves.

the fact that I will actually plan out my next sugar fix was a good indication to me that sugar has become an idol in my life, and that I’ve allowed it to have a stronghold on me.

and you know what?  I don’t want to be controlled by sugar.  And I don’t want to desire anything more than I desire God.

 

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A while back, I bought Lysa Terkhursts book, Made to Crave, and just in the first chapter alone, I was convicted and encouraged!  As Lysa shared her own struggle with food, I felt as though she was reading my mind and sharing my own struggles and thoughts.

For some reason, I started the book and then got away from it. I’ve decided that I’m going to get back to reading it, and I figure now is as good a time as any.

I know that I’m not alone in this struggle with food, and I’d love to hear from you.  Feel free to share in the comments and hopefully we can encourage one another along the way.

 

Girl time, summer, and I’m tired!

  Summer.  A time for fun, relaxation, and freedom from the everyday norm.  Right? so why is it that I’m so stinkin tired? it may or may not be due to the fact that we’re not getting to bed until after 11:00pm these days.  And just to clarify, that’s when […] Read more »

God, David Crowder, and a healing heart

One of the sweetest ways I hear from the Lord is through music. i can remember back to when we first moved my sweet dad into the nursing home.  I remember coming home from that trip just feeling empty and broken, and I couldn’t even begin to find the words […] Read more »

4th of July, camping, and school planning….

Phew!  I thought summer was going to be filled with lazy days and that the time would go by real slow…..HA!  Boy was I wrong! i feel as though I’ve been on the go constantly, and haven’t had a moment to just take a deep breath and RELAX. a lot […] Read more »

Alzheimer’s: the long good-bye

It’s funny how certain things can trigger something in you and have you in tears within seconds. i was trying to clean up my closet a bit yesterday (which translated, means that I had to do something, because we could barely walk in!) and as I was picking up random […] Read more »

The end of a love affair….

Dear Sugar, you’ve been a vital part of my life for so long that it actually hurts to be writing you this letter. i’ve been putting off writing this letter for quite some time now, but I just can’t put it off any longer. you see, though I’ve enjoyed having […] Read more »

A month of celebration….

Hey friends, i seem to be missing in action a lot these days when it comes to posting on here, and I hope to remedy that soon! our summer is flying by, and every time I find myself thinking that things will slow down, they don’t. i have come to […] Read more »

The walls of a woman…

I sometimes wonder how different things would be if, as Christian women, we would let down our guard and love each other right where we’re at, just as we are. What if we saw each other as allies rather than competition, and came along side each other rather than putting […] Read more »