The longing ache of a mama’s heart

 

I don't know about you, but I'm having the hardest time with it still being dark when I get up in the morning! I mean seriously, it was dark at 6:00am when I woke up, and everything within me said only a crazy person gets up in the dark! Well, my thinking was, only a crazy person chooses to sleep in when they've got 4 kids who will be up and needing to be taught school!

 

We had a very full but wonderful weekend. On Saturday, we had two places to be within a two-hour time period, and those places just happened to be about 30-minutes away from each other. Crazy. We went to a surprise 50th birthday party for a good friend of ours, and it was so fun watching the surprise on his face as he walked into a room full of people yelling, “Surprise!”. After that, my two jr. highers and I went to our church's kick-off youth meeting for the upcoming school year. It was cool to hear the different ways our youth are going to be ministered to this year!

 

On Sunday, we went to church and then came home and enjoyed the company of a sweet young couple who shared lunch with us. It was a great time of fellowship, and it was so refreshing to see such a passion for Christ and for the lost in this young couple.

 

Even with all the busyness of the weekend, I often found myself distracted with thoughts of my oldest girl. It's crazy for me to think that we haven't seen her in over a year now, and haven't had any contact with her since this past February.

 

Though I've accepted the reality of our painful relationship with her, the ache and longing to have a sweet and sincere relationship with her is still strong and painful.

 

There are times when I allow myself to go down the rough road of “if only, and what if”, but quite honestly, I find that's not a healthy place for me to go. Going there breeds condemnation and guilt and a sorrow that runs deep.

 

God has brought me a long way, in that I am better about not swallowing the accusations and lies that have been hurled at me, but it is definitely an ongoing battle.

 

I think of the tender relationship that I have with my own mom, and the sweetness I share with my 13-year old daughter, and I am extremely grateful to God.

 

And yet, as a mom, my heart truly aches to wrap my arms around my adult child and just hold her close. I long to hold her tight and tell her how very much I love her.

 

It's funny how I can still drive by “landmarks” that remind me of situations or tragedies that occurred before she left home for good, and I have a hard time passing by those places without having to swallow back the tears.

 

Sometimes I get angry at the enemy for stealing away my girl; for feeding her lies that she swallowed, and for deceiving her into believing that the world could offer her way more love and satisfaction than either God or her parents could.

 

The struggles didn't start the day she left home; no, the pull towards the world started long, long before. She left home in her heart and mind long before she left physically, and for good.

 

I truly understand now what it means to love someone so much that it hurts, and I know what it's like to have to look at pictures of the one who's left, for fear I might forget exactly how she looks.

 

I've given her to God, time and time again, and honestly, I don't worry about her anymore. I know that God loves her way more than I ever could, and I know how he's used this painful trial to bring me closer to Him.

 

Sure, I wish things had played out differently, but who am I to say what's best? As I look at my home now, I see parents who have been broken and yet, have come out better for it in the end. And I see children who adore their parents, and who love to be together as a family. I see sweet relationships between parent and child, and a peace that resides in a way that never was before.

 

I've been through the ugly, and I've got scars to show for it; scars that will never let me forget what my God has done in this heart and home.

 

 

 

Apparently, I fell off the saddle!

In my last post, which happened to be July 29, I carried on about how long it had been since my previous post (which was early June…ahem.) and how glad I was to be back in the saddle again! Well, as you can see, it is now September 6, and I haven't posted in over a month! Ugh!

 

I'm not sure what's happened to me, but summer has caused me to lose all sense of time! I think about writing a blog post, but then I get busy planning school, doing laundry, and trying to keep up with the kids, and before I know it, another week has gone by and I haven't posted.

 

I really am hoping that will all change now that we've started school and will finally have some structure and consistency. Summer is proof that I thrive on structure!

 

I thought I'd bring you all up to date to on what's been happening in my life this past month, because I'm sure you've been on pins and needles waiting to hear, right? Right. :)

Well, back in July, I shared that I would be starting a food elimination diet called the Whole30. It's basically a kick-start to the Paleo way of eating, however, you end up eliminating all inflammatory foods from your diet for 30-days, in hopes of figuring out what foods may or may not be causing inflammation in your body. On day 31, you begin to add one type of food/grain back in every 3-days. Once you figure out if any of those foods are causing inflammation, you will then know to avoid those foods.

 

Because of the way my body has been reacting to so many foods, and the fact that I was bloated and miserable most of the time, I am pretty confident that I have chronic inflammation, which leads to leaky gut syndrome. I fought and fought this elimination diet for months, because I didn't want to give up my favorite foods, especially corn products and refined sugar….ahem, especially sugar. Needless to say, after my last post, I did indeed start the Whole30, but I started it three different times, quitting on Day 3 each time.

 

I cannot begin to tell you the emotional struggle I was having over FOOD! It was crazy. And it's freaky to me how much control I had let food have in my life. I began to make this a matter of prayer, asking God to give me both the will power and self-control to do the Whole30, and I asked many friends and family members to be praying for me as well. I knew without a doubt that God had led me to do this Whole30, but I lacked the faith that I could do it.

 

And then, just out of the blue, I woke up on August 18th and determined that this was the day! And you know what, I'm now on DAY 20, and I haven't quit or cheated even once! Now, let me just say for the record that this was by no means a walk on the park. HECK NO! The first week was pure torture! I thought I'd passed a huge hurdle when I made it past day 3, but then day 4 came, and I almost came unglued.

 

On day 4, I woke up with the same lingering headache that I'd had since the evening of day 1, but I was also extremely fatigued and weak. I'm serious, I felt as though I was trying to get over a nasty virus that had wiped me out! Walking across the room caused me to sit down and take a rest, because I was so weak. I felt like my limbs were dead weight, and I had to take TWO NAPS in order to make it through the day!

The second week was a bit better, but I still had cravings. Fast forward to this past week and I.FEEL.GREAT! And I only have 10-days to go! WOO-HOO! I plan to do a blog post in the next few days with a review of my Whole30 journey, so make sure to come back if you want to hear more about it.

 

In other news, we started school(we homeschool) this past Tuesday, and aside from a few meltdowns (from the kids, not me) we had a pretty good weak. We did a light load this week, and will start full days on Monday. I had a planned schedule in my head, not yet down on paper, and now I know why I hadn't written it down yet. I realized this week that some of my ideas wouldn't have worked the way I had planned, and yet, I was able to see how switching things around to the way they naturally went this past week would work way better.

 

I had also took a big step and purchased a new curriculum for this year that I had never used before, and after seeing how the flow of things went this past week, I realized that this new curriculum wasn't going to be a good fit for our family. And by the grace of God, the curriculum company was more than willing to take back the curriculum with a full refund! Phew! It's amazing the weight that was lifted off of me by making that choice. I've decided to stick with the curriculums I've used in the past that I know work for us, and I feel totally at peace with that. I'm so thankful to God for showing me this now, rather than me realizing it later in the school year!

 

Well, I could go on and on with all that's been happening around here, but since I've practically written a book here, I'll save that for another post (hopefully sooner than a month from now!). On a side note, about a month ago, I decided to indulge my mid-life crisis and I got my nose pierced! Before you all think I've lost my senses, I didn't get a huge gold loop ring, I got a delicate tiny diamond stud, which looks very feminine! Since I couldn't have the new Camero that I want, I had to settle for the nose ring!

 

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and are able to take some time to enjoy those you love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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