I’m learning that though the pain of loss dulls over time, it doesn’t seem to ever completely go away.
it has been 3-1/2 years now since our oldest girl walked out, and yet, I can still remember every moment of that dreadful, devastating day.
and I remember every little detail of every single crisis that occurred in the year following the day she left; there was one tragedy after another, one devastating blow followed by another devastating blow. It seemed as though we’d just get our footing, only to be knocked down once again. It was a year unlike anything I’d ever experienced before, and the grief was more than I could bear.
since that dreadful day, we’ve gone from having constant communication with our girl, to being told to never contact her again. We went a year and a half with no word, no communication at all; we had no idea where she was living, or if she was even living at all.
we then heard from her for the first time last fall, had a few short months of communication, only to have her shut us out once again. another blow.
along with the constant grief that flooded my heart, came a battle with depression that–like the grief– has never gone away. It was almost diabilitating at times, robbing me of the ability to enjoy my kids and to engage in life. Thankfully, with the help of my loving husband and a doctor who knows me very well, I was able to get on a medication that allows me to function well and to enjoy my life once again. I wish I could say that the depression is completely gone, but it’s not; it’s something that I’m always very aware of, something that I battle and refuse to let win. The medication takes the edge off, and gives me the push that I need to fight the depression day after day.
Here i am, three and a half years later, having been broken, and not the same person I once was. I’m different somehow, as if a part of me is missing, and it’s left a scar that never seems to completely heal. The scar is a reminder to me of the battle that I’ve fought, of the tears that I’ve cried, and of a loss so deep that I’ll never be the same. I never knew that a severed relationship could feel like a death; that you could actually grieve the loss of someone who’s actually still alive. But believe me, you can, and I still do.
through all of this, I can honestly say that I’ve come to know and experience a sweeter love with Jesus than I’d ever know before. Because you see, He shows up and he was there, every step of the way. Even on those darkest days of depression when I was in a dark pit unable to find my way out, he was there. When I couldn’t feel Him, hear him, or even when I wondered if He heard my cries for help, He was there; I couldn’t see it then, but I do now. And since that dark time, I have learned that I can’t base God’s love for me on how I feel, but rather on what I know to be true about Him.
I’ve learned that on the hardest of days and in the darkest of times, I need to remember what God has done for me in times past, and how He’s always came through. Always. Without fail.