Broken hearts and Shattered dreams

 

 

As I've walked down this path of heartache and pain, and as I've experienced loss deeper than I've ever known, not once have I doubted God's faithfulness and love.

 

Not once have I feared that He'd let me be crushed under the weight of it all, nor have I wondered if He really cares.

 

I've tasted and seen that God is good, and I truly trust in His unfailing love….and yet, I can wonder how much more He's going to allow to come my way.

 

 

As I stood in church this past Sunday, wanting to participate in worship, I couldn't….

 

Every time I opened my mouth to sing, I'd get choked up and the tears would threaten to fall.

 

 

As I let the words of the songs wash over me, I tried to figure out why I was overwhelmed with sadness,

 

and the more I thought about it, the clearer it became to me that I was hurt.

 

Not by anything anyone else had done or said, or by the words of the songs…..

 

 

Quite honestly, I felt hurt by God.

 

You see, these past two weeks I've had a heaviness that I can't quite explain….a deep sense of loss and grief

 

And it's seemed as if the hurts (and the tears) won't stop coming….

 

The ongoing trial of these past two years is still very painful and hard, and there are times when I wonder if it will ever end;

 

And as if that's not enough, it's become quite clear in the past few weeks that my sweet kitty, Max, may not be with us much longer.

 

He's 14 years-old, and up to this point hasn't seemed his age, but in the past two weeks he's done some things that have been concerning, and has brought me to tears.

 

And while I know he's a cat, he's my cat, and I love him deeply, and the thought of losing him right now is more than I can bear.


There's been so much loss already, within a short amount of time, and I just can't fathom losing anyone else I love–not now.


So I think that's where the hurt comes from right now; I'm hurt over the fact that my kitty may soon be gone, and I just can't understand why God would allow another hurt, another loss…

 

And though I know God is good and His ways are just and kind, those truths just aren't traveling from my head to my heart right now.

 

I feel numb, yet overwhelmed with sadness, all at the same time.

 

And so, once again, I find myself in a season of going on what I know to be true about God rather than on what I'm feeling and seeing;

 

and I find myself taking my tears to him, numerous times throughout my day, knowing that He can handle my sadness, and He understands my hurt; and none of it's to big for Him.

 

No deadline for grief

 

I don't know why, but I'm always surprised when, out of the blue, I am hit with an overwhelming sense of grief over all that's happened these past two years. And quite honestly, I get angry at myself, because I somehow think that I should be “over it” by now.

 

As if someone can really “get over” losing their father and their own child, within 2-1/2 months of each other, right? But for whatever reason, I find myself mad when the grief is heavier than usual, and wonder what's wrong with me.

 

This past weekend, as I was enjoying some down time with my kids, I was suddenly filled with this saddening awareness that my oldest daughter should be here laughing along with us. I was overwhelmed by the reality that she's gone, and that she chose to leave.

 

My mind then began to replay the events of that first year after she left; one devastating crisis after another playing vividly in my mind. I was shocked that I could still remember even the smallest details of that time, and that the pain is still very raw and real.

 

 

Not a day goes by when I don't think of her, and long to hear her laugh and to see her smile light up the room. And I like to go back to when things were good between us and her, and remember how we could laugh so hard together, and enjoy just being in the same room.

 

But those days were a long time ago, and now the bad times are so painful that they seem to have crowded out the good.

 

The tears still come easily when I think of her, and the heartache is often more than any mother should have to bear.

 

I've come to the conclusion that there's no deadline for grief, no magical end to pain or despair.

 

And thankfully, on the flip side, there's no end to God's love and care for me as I walk through sorrow and grief.

 

Trying to make sense of it all….

  It's been two weeks since my last post, and quite honestly, I just haven't had the words.   I've had many thoughts flitting around in my head, and my emotions have been all over the place, but when I've sat down to write, the words simply wouldn't come.   […] Read more »

Wordless Wednesday ~ Sometimes there are no words

Sometimes, there are just no words to describe how grateful I am for the privilege of loving these kids….     Elisabeth Elliot says it well, “This job has been given to me to do. Therefore, it is a gift. Therefore, it is a privilege. Therefore, it is an offering […] Read more »